The One Where I Define

There are crimes we all commit. We transgress without even realizing it. These violations, however, will not get you in trouble with the law, as this particular division of the police force was abandoned due to budget cuts during late eighties.
These are crimes of the tongue; linguistic forgery, if you will. Colloquialisms, dialect, idioms, parole, slang, jargon, vernacular, lingo, parlance, gobbledygook...we're all guilty, including your noble narrator.
Below you will find words and phrases that I tend to favour in my day to day. Feel free to adopt them as your own, as some of them have already been adopted from others:

• Ass Hat- literally someone who wears an ass, usually their own, as a hat. These are people who have their head so far up their asses that they're consequently wearing their ass as a hat. This expression has it's roots in Shakeapeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream.
  
• Steege- the act of smoking a joint. Usually expressed with multiple "e"s depending on the level of enthusiasm.
• Plata Salata- a large platter containing assorted Mediterranean salads and spreads, typically prepared and served by a balding Israeli man with the overwhelming urge to feed.
• Whiskers- apparent facial hair found on women, particular those who ride the 161 bus.
• Puberty Stick- an instrument used to beat an adolescent, usually a male aged eleven to fifteen, who has yet to enjoy a visit from the Puberty Bunny. Tell-tale signs of those who necessitate a lashing are high, squeaky voices, the absence of preliminary facial hair, shortness and cheeks that are just begging to be pinched.
• Puberty Bunny- the bearer of the Puberty Stick (similar to "Fluffy Bunny" and "Fuzzy Bunny" from the Simpsons episode where Milhouse falls in love with the girls with braces). He visits children to attack them with his weapon, resulting in Adam's apples, chin pubes and partially descended testicles.
• Birkenstocks- German footwear worn by angry lesbians. They are usually sold alongside blocks of tofu, Subaru vehicles and k.d. lang's Christmas album.
  
• Old- anyone over 30.
• Balls- an exclamative. Used to describe distress, anger, malaise, dissapointment, exhaustion or frustration.
• Crazy Balls- another exclamative, a step higher then "balls", usually reserved for instense moments of "balls".
• I Wouldn't Fuck her with a Stolen Dick- this one speaks for itself.
  
  

My muse was initially enraged that because of her whiskers I would not fuck her with a stolen dick. Regardless, it turns out she has three pairs of birkenstocks.

"I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox."
-Woody Allen